When Linda Schilling was undergoing treatment for breast cancer, sometimes friends’ most well-meant comments irked her the most. A wig hid the fact that she was losing her hair and though there were few outward signs she was sick, the chemotherapy levied its toll.
“People would say ‘Well, at least it’s only nausea,” Schilling said. “That was my favorite, because it was really debilitating. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t get off the couch, and everything made me feel like I was going to hurl. It was like being seasick times 10. But ‘at least it was only nausea.’ I know they were trying to be supportive, but it really didn’t help.”
Schilling, diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer in September 2013, underwent months of chemo. Today, she’s cancer-free and volunteers with the St. Elizabeth Cancer Care Center. She’s also active in a support group for cancer patients. But some of those well-meaning comments have stuck with her.
“Another was ‘Well you look great. You must have the good kind,'” she said. “And I was like ‘Of cancer? I didn’t know there was a good kind!'”
It can be awkward, talking to a friend or loved one who has been diagnosed with cancer. People want to offer support. They want to be optimistic. They want to show their friend they care. Unfortunately, the support we offer often sounds trite or unthinking to someone who’s received such a life-altering diagnosis.
It’s a common problem.
Earlier this year, another cancer survivor, 28-year-old Los Angeles graphic designer Emily McDowell, brought the awkwardness of what to say to someone fighting cancer into the spotlight when she launched her own brand of greeting cards for cancer patients.
The cards, available online, range from directly apologetic (“I’m really sorry I haven’t been in touch. I didn’t know what to say”) and assuring (“I want you to know I will never try to sell you on some random treatment I read about on the internet”) to humorously supportive (“ONE MORE CHEMO DOWN! Let’s celebrate with whatever doesn’t taste disgusting!”).
“The most difficult part of my illness wasn’t losing my hair, or being erroneously called ‘sir’ by coffee shop baristas, or sickness from chemo,” McDowell writes on her website. “It was the loneliness and isolation I felt when many of my close friends and family members disappeared because they didn’t know what to say.”
She hopes her cards will help make an awkward situation, when you just don’t know what to say or how to say it, easier, McDowell said.
The cards are a great idea, according to Terri Brogan, a certified nurse navigator with the St. Elizabeth’s Women’s Wellness Center who has been a caring shoulder to hundreds of cancer patients who have run across the same issues.
“It’s so difficult to find the right thing to say. What one person might find comforting, another might find truly offensive. Sometimes, it’s best to just express what you’re feeling,” she said, “and let your friend know you care about them and what they’re going through. It’s okay to acknowledge you don’t know what to say.”
To help, the American Cancer Society’s Cancer Survivors Network has put together a few do’s and don’ts for caregivers and friends. Among them:
DON’T
- Tell them how strong they are. They may feel the need to act strong even when they’re exhausted.
- Offer medical advice or your opinions on things like diet, vitamins or internet therapies.
- Remind them of past behaviors that might be related to the illness, such as drinking or smoking. Some people feel guilty over those things.
- Say “I know how you feel” or “my (family member) went through the same thing.” Every patient has their own journey. You can’t possibly know what they’re going through.
DO
- Let them know you’re there to talk whenever they feel like it, even if that time isn’t right now.
- Help them keep an active role in your relationship. Ask advice. Ask their opinions.
- Ask questions. It’s okay to ask them if they’re uncomfortable. Ask if there’s anything you can do for them, either now or later.
- Let them feel what they need to. Allow them to be negative, withdrawn or silent if that’s what they want to in the moment. Avoid changing the subject just to avoid awkwardness.
- Be honest with them.
Schilling said she appreciated honesty from friends and her doctors most of all.
“I had friends who said ‘Oh, man. The next year’s going to suck, but then everything’s going to be fine’ and I really appreciated that. My doctor, right away, told me he was sorry that I had cancer but it wasn’t going to be the end of me,” she said.
“That’s exactly what I needed to hear because then I just wanted to get treatment and get over the hard part.”
